I felt like a Picasso, broken into a thousand pieces and put back together all in the wrong order. Limited perspective is dangerous if heeded, and I forgot that feeling does not necessarily correspond with reality. Every breaking brings pain, but every breaking is not the same. Where some do indeed destroy, others remove what will destroy. What has felt like distortion and destruction in truth has been the remaking of my soul into the image of Christ, the reworking of hardened clay into a new vessel.
What I wrote then
and now:
"Death Revisited"
No, you do not leave any
the same as they
have been before
Striking and biting
are your game.
But you shall not
conquer nor consume.
Victory has been
snatched
thrown you
down.
The tears you wrought
water the earth,
and life rises up
anew.
You robbed my bliss as
you pierced my heart.
But deeper wells
of joy sprang forth
mingled in the sorrow-
a stronger, fuller,
steadier flow
the rushing paradox
of pain blended
with mirth,
laughter in the
eyes of eternal sight.
Psalm 57
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!
My soul is in the midst of lions;
I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!
They set a net for my steps;
my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
but they have fallen into it themselves.
Selah
My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!
3 comments:
"...every breaking is not the same."
When I read this, I thought about my project from this past weekend. There were little pieces of broken glass all over my front yard. It was glass from a vehicle window that was broken before I moved in. As I began to pick it up, I quickly realized that it was not sharp. It had crumbled (as vehicle glass does), so I was able to pick it up with my bare hands.
That is how I want God to break me. So that my fragments do not hurt others. So that it makes it easy for others to come in contact with me. If that is what glorifies Christ the most, then that is what I want.
great image in the previous comment. i'll remember that.
and... I love you, Ashlea. God in Jesus has redeemed EVERY day for your joy, even the days that remind us of breakings.
I do love your poetry, Ashlea. It expresses universals, but it always reminds me of you :).
I agree with the sentiment, as well. I've lost that heady, unadulterated sense of happiness, and perhaps I'll never see it again - who knows? But something is growing in its place - something quieter, steadier, kinder, and "realer." Sometimes I suppose it takes a step back to go forward.
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